Continued from part 1 found here…
It’s a very hard blow to my ego to see my son coming to such realization. It’s even more difficult, to feel like a burden to loved ones, unable to do for myself at times or hold up my end of the weight. It’s difficult to see my partner burning the wick at both ends as she tries to overcompensate for my lack and shortcomings. It’s enough to drive one to the brink of depression at times, and almost wish or think that all would be better off without me. In these moments I sometimes truly resent and even hate myself, my circumstances, conditions, and limitations.
Buuuuuuttttt… I cannot linger and wallow in my own self-indulgent pity party forever. The ‘woe is me, my life sucks, why am I cursed, blah blah blah…’ can only go on for so long unless I enjoy suffering and drowning in my own depression. So as always, I pick myself up and begin whatever arduous fight is ahead of me. How can I overcome this hardship? What can I learn from this? How can I grow? Become better, become stronger be the man my mama raised me to be. Because one thing is for sure, my mama didn’t raise no punk, lol!
And so, I rise up, focused on healing and my recovery. The practical steps, the long-term implications of dealing with this new issue. Thinking of how to get back on track with my projects and goals. Anticipating the questions to come from my lil one, both in the immediate and in the future, as I begin to accept that I can no longer maintain the facade of the larger than life invulnerable daddy. Then it occurs to me that, maybe I don’t need to keep up such false pretenses. That there is value in being vulnerable, in sharing and exposing myself to him and the world at large. I am reminded -yet again- that the value of being authentic in all areas of my life can be more powerful than maintaining the false perception of my reality. Instead, shifting my focus to what important lessons and insight I can gain and share through all of this. The opportunity to share with my son lessons on perseverance, living through struggle, finding strength and wisdom in difficult times, owning one’s own shit and finding new ways to overcome limitations. All amazingly valuable lessons for myself, my child and to learn through honest dialogue and real-world examples of such.
So, accepting the fact that there will always be hindrances and difficulties to knock us on our ass. Moments that test the will and spirit, that allow us the opportunity to define who we are, who we choose to be through our adversities. That’s life, for everyone… regardless if some of my personal trails have to do with health and disease, we all go through such trails and negative points. I’ve always been someone who chooses to overcome them, grow beyond them and not be defined by them.
I realize at this moment, that this is just another opportunity to do the same, but with a much more aware child and many more witnesses, as I began to share my stories and experiences with the world. Stories and experiences I have to be authentic in sharing because without being vulnerable in the sharing of my truth, there is really no benefit or lesson to be had for anyone. Just another sick or struggling Dad, trying to maintain false pretenses to keep my child -and myself- hidden away from the realities of life. A path I am unwilling to walk as it is one the serves no one but my own fragile ego.