Families, possibly one of our greatest sources of strength and grandest pain.
It’s true, that those closest to us cause us the most pain. Outside of ourselves of course. It’s that vulnerability caused by the close bonds of the families we embrace, that allow others to act in ways that trigger, irritate, disrespect, demean and hurt us.
People can be stubborn, self-centered and preoccupied with themselves, and the things of their world. That being said, Its no wonder that when we – also considered to be part of their world – feel slighted and not considered in their actions it triggers us.
Whether that trigger being from the hurt of disrespect, or rage of not being heard or valued, or any other scenario, we naturally react. It’s a common misconception that men – or what it means to be a MAN – don’t have or let their feeling get to them.
Truth is, that is bullshit, we are human just like women, just like children… and while we may have become adept at covering up, hiding or even running away from our emotions; we still have them, feel them and are driven by them.
We may get call onry, or surly, full of attitude, or stubborn, etc … but all those labels come from someplace… that place, often a reaction to the emotions we are feeling.
Sadly, because it is those closest to us, that trigger us most… it is those closest to us the get to experience the worse versions of ourselves… probably more often than they should.
We all aspire to be our best selves, in public and private alike, and if anyone is most deserving of our best it is those we love most. Yet, loving them the most is exactly why we are triggered so easily, so greatly by them. For it is those we love most we seek to get understanding, recognition, and respect from.
And that is often our pitfall, wanting and expecting anything, from anyone else is always a setup for a letdown. Especially when we realize that close or not, we can’t control them. we can’t make them express and show their love in the ways that work for us. We cant always have it our way it seems when it comes to us, and when it comes to family, as the family is a balance that all are supposed to be working towards in their own ways.
So what can we do, when feeling triggered, for whatever reason by our loved ones. When it has been documented, proved, and experienced repeatedly by us, that those around us are not within our control. That they are not obligated to act and perform in any way solely for our sake. And, that the government charges a hefty premium on our freedom if were ‘got rid of them’
Only one thing to do. go within. Now bear with me, this isn’t some sort of hippy-dippy non-practical woo-woo stuff. I’m simply saying that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves. We can look at what it is that’s triggering us and why? Figure out how we can let go of that crap and keep it moving.
For me at this moment, its a feeling of disrespect, a violation of boundaries and lack of consideration for my time and efforts, For my world and experience. What does that mean to me… that I have to make more of priority of safeguarding that. Safeguarding my time and the work I do, because no one else will, not on my behalf. I have to look at what efforts I keep trying to make that are disregarded and tossed aside, and consider whether its worth making such efforts going forward. And realizing my own shortcomings, like my own need and effort to control certain things. work on letting that go, because my own need for control, that attachment to it, is what adds to my frustration when dealing with family.
I recognize life would be so much easier, with it, and I would get triggered less often. Have fewer moments of lashing out, or feeling like my effort to communicate has failed.
In making the effort to recognize and adjust what I can actually do, in the long run to will help to change things; improving on myself and hopefully the experience I have with my family. This approach doesn’t absolve or minimize the roles anyone else plays in the situation. But it is a healthier way to deal with our side of things than just stewing in our juices, or clamping down on those we love by trying to control them and everything else.
Those actions lead to tension, stress, and duress… I am looking for freedom and an experience I can enjoy. With that being the outcome I want , and learning how bad – for all involved – those other approaches end up; it only makes sense that I try something new, like going within, and seeing what about myself needs change and growth.
The bottom line is this… as close as family and loved ones are, their ability to urk us most… their triggering of us can be and are some of the greatest lessons to learn that we may continue to learn, grow and be our best selves going forward.
That said… good luck to you all when dealing with your crazy family and loved ones triggering and urking you. I truly feel your pain. It is all a part of being in the #CultOfDad.