I’m afraid …

occasionally, of nothing,

more than I’d like to admit… EVERYTHING

I’m afraid I’m not worthy

not worthy of my blessings,

abundance,

love,

My family…

I’m afraid I’m not capable …  Not able to provide for or to protect.

Falling short in my duties, in my family, as a father, as a man.

I’m afraid that I suck at being a good friend, a good brother, a good son…  a good dad

I’m afraid that, I am ‘that’, and so I deserve ‘that’ around me…

People that suck and let me down.

People that will trap, hold  and bind me

limit me and stop me from being.

I’m afraid that, that is what I deserve.

I’m afraid that, that’s the cycle that goes on throughout the world…

because maybe that’s what we deserve, that, which we give.

I’m afraid these are the lessons that I will teach and pass down…

handing down a legacy of victim mentality and self-defeat.

I’m afraid of this knot, rising deep in my belly…

Cuz I fear that  it means I’m writing the truth… that I don’t dare to speak.

I’m afraid of the man that I have come into being…

hiding the hurt, anger, pride and rage that come with self-judgment…

I’m Afraid of the pain and the sins from my past…

I’m afraid of the future and that the good that I fear will not last.

Ive faced death, pain and struggle all my life to get here…

But still afraid cuz I know that here, will never be there.

Cuz I know, no matter what, there’ll always more to reach for…

and so I fear no matter what, that means I’ll always fall short.

and so it seems this fear is here… it’s dear, its, near , to my heart

And all the love I try to give is tainted right from the start.

It’s in us all, programmed to stall … like, constantly start, to just stop.

Never seeing or overcoming this trap… that’s breaking our hearts.

I’m afraid that I’m a nobody… somehow afraid of being somebody.

I’m afraid that I’m not real … Yet afraid that real gets killed

I’m afraid, I just cant do it… so afraid, that I don’t try

and when I try… I die inside… afraid to fail, afraid to fly.

This fear… its programmed, far and wide in all… killin us inside.

And that’s the shit that makes me angry…. deciding this is MY life.

These fears are fkn lame, I gotta get past them all… fake news and  all that other bullshit.

My ego mind just wants whine.. to sit behind on my ass, lettin life go pass me by

I’m fkn sick of it… I’m sick with it…

So fck fear… I’m up to here, with it!

Being real and sincere…life ain’t worth livin … unless u go and  live for it!

To live life to your fullest… to go, and grow , despite the fear and sht.

Its there, I’m aware…. but swim in it, you sink, you go nowhere…

And that’s just a hell , I know, I simply can not bear!

If I cant live my life to its fullest, no point in fkn being here!

And being, that I am… I’m deciding, I could, I should and will!

Live my life on my terms, and not those of others or the fear .

So fck fear! I am here… Shining bright, like love… I’m more than fear!

 

 

 

About the Author Zay

Fatherhood is a helluva ride. The motivating factors in this whirlwind adventure that is my life, are my passion and my heart. All things spiritual feed my soul. Technology fuels curiosity and imagination. Yet my family, brings me peace... Blessings! The God in me, acknowledges the god in you! Namaste!

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