I’m just gonna put it out there. Monogamy is fkn stupid. There I said it. I’m sorry ladies and all avid morality based advocates of monogamy. It’s just my (and many others) opinion, not fact…. but c’mon, it really is kinda stupid. Just saying *Shrugs*
Now please, hear me out, before you all get your tails knotted up in a bunch. I’m not saying we should do away with monogamy, or that it is impossible and an unworthy goal to strive for…
Honestly… that is up to the individuals of each relationship to do what works for them. For many, I know it is a very positive and worthy effort to make for the sake of your mate.
That said… for soooo maaaaany others, monogamy has been a stupid counterintuitive idea, that sabotaged many a relationship. Again… many relationships do thrive with monogamy, so I understand, there are levels to this shit!
But, what am I really getting at here? I’m talking more specifically about how toxic monogamy has become, being warped into this weird idea of ownership. Ownership of others… ownership of our spouses … the person you’re supposed to love. We go from loving them to trapping them in a cage like our own helpless little tweety birds…
‘OH, I love you soo much… I will do anything for you… I just want the best for you, to see you happy… I can’t bear to be apart from you…. don’t ever leave me! Don’t you dare ever leave my side… How dare you talk to anyone else.. look at anyone else? Don’t you dare even think of anyone one else! You not allowed to have your own thoughts or any sort of life outside of me! You belong to me… your mine! I own you!! Fck you… there is no more ‘me’, its ‘we’ now! I OWN YOU NOW! YOU ARE MINE!! (cue the evil laugh) HAHAHAHAH!!!’
Okay maybe I’m putting a little extra sauce on it, but this exaggeration isn’t far from the truth is it?
So let’s dig deeper a bit. Physical monogamy, meaning mainly sexual relations as opposed to other layers of monogamy like emotional monogamy. As monogamy can be broken down into layers, like the physical (sexual), the emotional and any other level, that one can share an intimate connection with another.
Monogamy meaning the act of sharing a relationship (i.e. marriage or sexual relations) with only one other person. This can happen on various levels, being married to one person at a time, sex with one person at a time, being intimate with one person at a time, etc.
The thing is, relationships do occur with any others that you share any particular experience with. That said, you can have an emotional ‘relationship’ with someone at work, but then have sexual relations with someone different altogether. Based on the circumstances, one might be the ‘significant other’, or neither, or both. In which case, we usually call those ppl ‘CHEATERS’.
The term itself is so ridiculous, it almost makes you think of monogamy as a fkn game… ‘Oh you CHEATED. You lose the game!’ Lol!.. but, back on topic.
We have these different type of relationships all the time with various people. Not all of them are a threat to our significant others or our romantic relationship. In actuality most times, they are not.
You go to work you make friends and have relationships with people. Go to school, the same thing. You meet people and form bonds and connections all the time… it’d be ridiculous to think, that all those interactions are direct threats to the empire of your love. Only the most jealous, and insecure of people think that way. But jealousy and insecurity or also concepts closely tied to monogamy. So … It makes sense, I guess. *shrugs*
However, most of the time, none of these things are actual threats to our significant others… but almost always, at least two kinds of connections are often considered major threats and huge no-nos when it comes to monogamous relationships. The first, physical connections… and the second, emotional connections.
I get it… if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you are building a bond with someone else you got the hots for. That’s a problem. Or if you find yourself getting closer and closer with someone emotionally, to the point that you want to spend more time with that person than the one you love… that could be a problem too.
It’s not guaranteed these things are problems, but there is a greater chance of it. More than just maybe a random friendship you make with someone from work who may be the same sex as you. People don’t seem to have a problem as much as long as that relationship is not leading to you wanting to fuck someone else I guess.
The thing is, with monogamy seeming less like a choice these days, and more of social demand… it has become a way of telling the world ‘I own this person’. They are mine, and all associated body parts, emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc.
Ok … yes… Im totally adding extra sauce on it, but seriously, its all kinda true. So many men and women, start to believe in this idea of ownership. ‘That’s MY man’, ‘That’s MY woman’… ‘That’s MY dick’, ‘That’s MY pussy’ … ‘don’t go giving whats MINE away!’ Yadda yadda yadda… Lol!
And while we run around proclaiming what and who belong to us, we are steadily robbing each other of our sovereignty and freedom in a sense.
Personally, I prefer to have a partner in crime, than a warden I have to sneak by, hide from and lie to, just to live.
Now don’t get it twisted… this is all actually a choice… we choose to enter into the monogamous relationships with whatever bullshit built-in expectations. We make that choice whether through default or through actual communication, a choice is made. None of us are victims in this, but understand it is a cultural norm that most often FEELS like we don’t have much choice in.
But back to my beef with monogamy.
It’s such a strong social norm that those who choose to live outside of it are often judged, stigmatized and looked down on. Those with open relationships, swingers, open relationships, polysexual, polyamorous, polygamist etc… and all those ‘other’ labels for alternative lifestyles, are often judged and criticized by the mainstream. Weirdly enough creating all sorts of subcultures of people trying to hide in plain sight.
But… with monogamy being the main social norm that it is those who fall short of such expectations – like the poor saps stuck in a sex-less 40-60+ year relationship we often hear common stories of – are often tarred and feathered and abused in the legal court system or the court of public opinion; when they mess up and stray outside of their partners (often unspoken) expectations for them … (i.e. to be a eunuch… Lol)
Which seems completely unfair and kinda illogical… aka stupid. Mind you these ideas cut both ways.
Like, how many horrifying stories of domestic violence we hear about, where someone is being attacked, hurt and brutalized simply because they are attractive enough to get some attention, and their significant other is too insecure, controlling or jealous to handle it. So chaos and violence ensue… people get hurt… trust, relationships, and lives destroyed. All because someone had unrealistic demands and expectations based on the ‘idea’ of monogamy is supposed to be according to everyone the culture we live.
Its such a common stereotypical story… woman gets beaten by her abusive man because some random guy smiled at her and she said hello. Nothing happened but ‘her MAN’ didn’t like it, and because she belongs to him… she now has to be punished for someone being attracted to her… The same exact thing that made him, want her? Like what the fck?!!
Sorry… I just have very strong adverse feelings on D.V. … but that’s another story… back on topic.
The reason why these rigid ideas of monogamy are so stupid is that we seem to have come to this place where these set rules and ideas dictate how individuals are supposed to live their lives. With so many who think differently being forced into subcultures and are judged and stigmatized by the masses. Many others, being penalized and punished for basic human behavior. Its caused so much misunderstanding, violence, pain and hurt in our culture, where the idea behind it was to bring couples closer together.
Now, I don’t really think monogamy is wrong or a bad thing, but seems like it has become perverted in our culture… to the point of actually sabotaging those relationships the idea was meant to bring closer together.
The ideal would be for monogamy to be a choice between people, one that allows the individuals to show their commitment and loyalty to each other. Whether on one level or all, physically, mentally emotionally, etc. It should always be a choice that is enacted on and committed to and recommitted to regularly. An ideal with fluidity and flexibility to match the needs of those in the relationship.
Rather than a social construct that everyone is expected to uphold, lest they suffer the consequences of the world around them. let alone the consequences of their partner.
Somehow monogamy went from a participatory agreement between people in a relationship to some sort blanket social mandate. Rules and regulations that everyone is forced to uphold, that dictate how a relationship should be conducted and in what ways each person is owned by the other. With very little flexibility or space for understanding. With people becoming more possessive, controlling, jealous, insecure etc… all based off of the expectations that come with a cultural mandate of what ‘should’ be.
Monogamy in and of itself isn’t bad… but its led us to the place where a relationship is destroyed, divorce rates are constantly rising and peoples happiness is being fck with by the expectation and demands of everyone else.
So I guess my bottom line is, to say, we need to stop letting the world around us, the expectations of others and the demands of society dictate our relationships. What and how we are happy. To get back to doing what honestly works for us individual and in our personal relationships. To determine for ourselves what and whom we are or are not willing to accept, forgive and love.
It’s time to get everyone else out of our business and figure out what works for us. What sacrifices and compromises we’re willing to make for those we love, and what we need for our own happiness and the ultimate happiness of our family and relationships.
How much better would things be, if we took more time to figure out and define our boundaries and our own consequences. Not what your friend, family and everyone else says. If we had more open mind across the board so people could honestly epress what they wanted and know the people they sharing themselves with were open enough to listen and work it out if possible. Instead everyone stick rigidly hard and fast to some rules old people from year, decades, generations ago put into place for us.
Now while I would love to talk about how unnatural monogamy is. How men were design to spread and propagate our seed in as much fertile soil as possible; how women were designed to uphold natural selection and choose for best options which seeds are worth fertilizing their soil, etc.
It really isn’t an excuse… we have evolved past cave man days and while that natural instinct is there, we also have reason and logic to face when we’ve made a commitment and try to live up to that. If we commit to monogamy we made a choice.
But that said, if we never felt we had a choice because of how difficult it is to stand up to the mainstream… Its also time to rethink that. Time to recognize that people are different , and not one sized fits all.
The truth is, there is no right or wrong to love. We are all entitled to our happiness. and if more of us could figure out and say what the fck we really want, and not settle for people that aren’t on that same path… maybe we’d begging seeing less issues destroying peoples families , relationships and overall happiness.
Love, loyalty, exclusivity and commitment are not the same. They are different, not interchangeable and not mutually exclusive to each other. The sooner we get that, and get it out of this overall blanketed understanding of what monogamy is supposed to be. Just communicate and express with our partners who we are, what we need… shit… there be a lot less headache in our world.
But that’s just my random thoughts on an overcomplicated, stupid subject that seems to be throwing a monkey wrench into the flow of our culture and society.
It’s your boy Zay, I’m out!